Cozy Rain

 The best kind of rain, of course, is a cozy rain... the rain that falls on a day when you'd just as soon stay in bed a little longer, write letters or read a good book by the fire, take early tea with hot scones and jam and look out the streaked window with complacency.
- Susan Allen Toth, England For All Seasons

Today's weather based post was inspired by Heather and her fantastic blog: To Live Inspired

I wish today was just a cozy rain. Today is a rip-roaring full fury of mother nature storm. I want to absorb the energy of this storm and power through the last few weeks of this year. They will be challenging, they will be tiring.

I want to embrace the fury of the storm. I want to draw her power and make it my own and slam my way in to January. I want to muster all of my strengthy and show everyone what I'm made of.

I received a comment of how calm I seem these days. While buying a house, working very stressful 50 hour weeks, and creating the best Christmas Peyton could have ever imagined. I'm too busy to be stressed out. Stress doesn't help me accomplish everything. Stress does not build confidence in my abilites, create a productive attitude, or let Peyton celebrate the magic of this season.

In my weather power trip of using the storm to kick tailfeathers all the way to 2011; I do find myself wanting a day of Pajamas, Movies, and Soup. I want a lazy day to recoup - maybe next year.

A Down-Side Up kind of Day

Today went from up to down to back again.

Any change, any loss, does not make us victims.

Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you,

but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on.

No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something.

You always have a choice and the choice can be power.
Blaine Lee, "The Power Principle"

wanting a home

Noah: What do you want?

Allie: I want a white house with blue shutters and a room overlooking the river so I can paint.

Noah: Anything else?

Allie: Yes! I want a big ole porch wrapped around the whole house. We can drink tea and watch the sun go down.

If only it were that easy for all of us.

Shopping for a house is the weirdest experience I've ever had. It is the most specific list of I want, I need, I don’t care about that I have ever had to consider.

This isn't a prom dress, or a car. This is my daughters first real home, This is a major life investment, that I'm going to agree to pay for - for the next 30 years... 30.

I know I want a kitchen that had good storage and counter space. or that we can add counter space to. I'd love an Island, or room for an Island or a bar. I want closet space, and big windows, and natural light, and a fire place. I want room for Bookshelves and lots of books and art.

We need a decent foundation. Good roof. Fairly new windows. A fence that can contain the children.

I don’t care about fresh paint, new floors, or clean carpet. Or things like handles on the cupboards, or how messy the yard is. I don’t care if Peyton's playroom needs to be redone or the flowerboxes are dead. These are things I get to change for me, us, together. These are projects Teal and I get to work on.

I'm excited!!! So excited!!! and thinking soooo hard so much and so long. I'm exhausted but excited.

A Soundtrack

I think everyone needs a soundtrack. There are so many songs in my life that have spoken to the people, events and feelings. For these songs, for these relationships, for it all. I want to create Soundtracks. Lists of songs. Album cover art. Something to speak to that feeling, the moment, the pulse of the memory.

I'm announcing this project for 2 reasons. 1st because if I announce things I tend to follow through. Start to work - find the process. 2nd because I want to hear the songs that mean something to you. Blogger tells me I have lurkers, I want to know what songs opening chord brings a memory flooding back. Who's face pops up when you hear Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World" or where does your mind take you when you hear "Stairway to Heaven"? As my Soundtracks come together I'll be sure to post them. Explain the memory, the person, or the time in my life.

Happy song dwelling.

finding the perfect place to land

We've begun our search. The eternal search for a home. I lived in the same house my whole childhood. Momma and Daddy are going on 30 years in our simple home, with the same neighbors. I think the only thing that's really changed are the colors of the paint and the pets in the yard.

Its funny how much the MLS search can show you about a house. I can see in the Kitchen, where I'd put my mixer, and the Cuisinart. The living room where I'd put an overstuffed chair, and a rug for Ellie.

When the world is pounding the Hectic Holidays down my throat I get to day dream a bit about my favorite things of the new places. I get to decorate a living room I've never been in and make it a home I've always wanted. Now if only the really house shopping day would hurry up and get here!

Remembering To Share

The art of creation lies in the gift of perceiving the particular and generalizing it, thus creating the particular again. It is therefore a powerful transforming force and a generator of creative solutions in relation to a given problem. It is the currency of human exchanges, which enables the sharing of states of the soul and conscience, and the discovery of new fields of experience.
Yehudi Menuhin       



                                                     Newly on Flickr

"...Come to the edge"

"Come to the edge, He said.

They said, We are afraid.

Come to the edge, He said.

They came. He pushed them...

and they flew."

-Guillaume Apollinaire

This is Halloween,this is Halloween, everybody make a scene, it's our time, everybody scream, in this town of Halloween....

Halloween is like our version of Thanksgiving for our neighborhood:

We all come home and hang out on the front lawns. We carve pumpkins together just as we did for the 15 years of our childhood. Only now there are miniature fairies, princesses and Buzz Lightyear's involved. Now we take our babies out to trick or treat.

This Halloween was warm and comfortable and fun. Everything it should be. Now we gear up for the rest of the Holidays, the family Holidays... that don't just offer me loads of wine and chocolate. Or the chance to wear costumes... Really does Halloween have to only be once a year?

Princess Dreams

My buggy is 3. I keep saying and writing and looking at those words. They have yet to sink in. 3!!! How did we even get to 3.

Triumphs and challenges. Faith Trust and Pixie Dust. Some days I don't know where I found the strength, some days I don't know how to be without her.

I jumped into a new 30 days of journal prompts. Day 1 was introduce yourself: I am a Mom. That was the first thing I wrote. Then went on to my other roles and what they mean. I always think "I'm a mom" first - but I have yet to see it manifested so openly like that. I think of myself as a mom first. Even when I don't always know what that means.

Looking back that really has shaped the last few years. My priorities, choices, reactions, and efforts are all based on that. Which has caused a lot of changes. Loss of friends, and savings, and personal space. However a friend came back into my life in a way I never thought she would.

This past year would have been so different without Caity. Without the Halloween party (that brought us together), and the Defying Truth Concert (where the truth came out oddly enough). And that trip to Chico (that we'll probably never forget). Now she abandoned me for a handsome boy in San Diego, but I don't think I'll ever be able to thank her for what she's done this year.

Peyton is 3. We made it. Soon we'll be through this mess of potty training and on to reading and math. Then Pre K then Grade School and before I know it she'll be graduating College - AHHHH! It seems like only last week she drew her first "P" - oh wait it was.

God made rainy days so gardeners could get the housework done.

The rain is here. (Yes it rains in California) And while the first rain includes a terrible allergic reaction for me, its a welcome adjustment to the last few weeks.


This fall has been beautiful and wonderful. Buggy is now 3!! I have no idea where the last 36 months went, or how she got so smart(she wrote the letter "P" for me-all by herself!), but she is. And I love her so much for it. We're having a princess party on Sunday, designer cupcakes and tiara's included. I love being able to give her magical days and making her dreams come true.


The penpal disappeared again. He, or I, or we got busy and lost touch. Stopped making adjustments for each other and now he's gone. We've talked once every couple weeks. Maybe he'll come back some day. I finished my last Moleskine to him this week, let him know I'm done trying to write to him, I'd rather write for me now. Priorities, you know? So today's storm is a willing adjustment.

A reason to whole up and hide out under a blanket. A reason to eat soup and reflect. Now if I could just fill those blank pages

the days flee and are restrained by no reign

"Time glides away and as we get older through the noiseless years; the days flee and are restrained by no reign." - OVID

I'm terribly guilty of not working in my art journal for lack of time to properly commit. When I am unable to make a beautiful long artistic page, I don’t even start. This in turn causes a lot less work that I'd like to get done.

I was recently quite inspired by a community post on a livejournal group for journals. Here is a sample of what she posted:
Here is the post into EMBODIMENT: community.livejournal.com/embodiment/1701526.html

I want to do this. I want to have a place to put down SOMETHING everyday. Some of her pages were just a few sentences and a receipt. I have one empty book at home that I didn't quite know where to start. I think this may be my solution.

Anyone else use a similar set up? A daily diary of events; so to speak. I'd love to hear about it.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction

"The shortest distance between two points is under construction" - Noelie Alito



The Penpal -This man, that turns me upside down. I've been writing, filling Moleskines with letters for him. Which is making me even more impatient. I actually have to resist texting him hourly. I'm always bursting to talk to him. It's officially bordering on Lovesick. I bought a webcam so we could skype, but a tiny piece of me would rather keep it this way. Letters are so romantic in their loneliness.

Fantastic Futile Friendly Famous Friday

Today has been an odd day of sorts. Many things are going on and one very important thing hasnt been going on. Peyton has not been sleeping through the night. Up once or twice every night this week. She was on such a great roll before that too! If she wont potty train the very very least she could do is sleep for me. But in the end she is just as ornery as I was once. (and maybe still am)

I've got a penpal again. I forget how much I miss him when we lose touch. He's got this pain I want so bad to heal; at the same time can strip me down to nothing. He sees a part of me no one else including me does and I never quite know how to deal with him. I don't know how to let myself let him in, but I am trying.

I wrote him a letter, pen to paper, put a stamp on it letter. I think everyone should write letters, all the time. Lots and lots of letters. They brighten many days and getting any mail is a little fun.

I want to start him a book. Get a moleskin and dedicate it to him, mail it out when we're done. Has anyone made someone else a book? What kind of things do you put in it. We're really close but very rarely see each other - living 3 states apart. I'd love any suggestions anyone can offer!

Mama Pain

Today is a day of Mama Pain. I'm tired today and a bit cranky. And the fact the our building is packed with sulfur dioxide is not helping my chipper mood. And it may not be quite so bad if it weren't for the tunnel we're in already. My family is in the rabbit hole. And we've tumbled past the confusion and been led by the chesire cat... and now we're standing court with the vicious queen of hearts and things are falling apart.



I want to wake up, but alas I am not alseep under the tree. Nor is the queen the queen and king the king.  The King is hope, faith, and strength. The King is the only thing keeping us from being completely overwhelmed and attacked by the Queen. The Queen is Cancer.


Cancer has now stricken 3 relatives at once. 2 more have died in the last 5 years and there were several before that. All of these people are under the realm of my Papa Joe. Papa Joe is one of the strongest people I know. He's been through soo much pain and is still chipper and warm. Still travels and is one hell of a Octogenarian.

That story attributed to Mother Teresa - "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." This is my picture of my Papa, such a strong man that didn't ask for any of this. Never watned the responsibilities, but as the patriarch of 4 generations he takes this obligation with a chin held high and the power of hundreds.

Because of this, of the evil queen and the faith that controls her reign. Because Papa Joe deserves less anguish in his life. Because I've been lacking sleep and peace and solace. Because of every little thing thats been pricking me today, I have a case of Mama pain. Of wanting a place for my child that doesn't hurt so bad.

Incase I thought I might become uninspired

I've been on a great roll. Really putting so many things on paper and it seems to be helping to relieve the things I carry around. Mentally, anyway my purse has recently gotten considerably heavier.

As I continue to commit myself to these projects and the journey I'm on I seem to have more and more inspiration piled into my world. Some are new a few great blogs, some new supplies, and a I've been hollowing out a little me time. ooh and the September issue of Vogue just came out (also known as the bible).

Others are things that I can't help but wonder if I've just not been looking hard enough. Things like the cut foil off the top of a wine bottle, that perfect round circle. I have started collecting them and certainly see a work inspired page in my future. I've stopped getting mad at the dog for tearing up her toys, because I can steal the frayed edges and little bits of fabric. Frosting smears worked well after making cupcakes Saturday. Chunks of crayon, Peyton's messy paint hands, lace as a texture stencil, candy wrapper chains (I don't think I'd made one in 10 years), nail polish, nail polish remover, makeup sponges, cotton balls, and a dozen other things that I have around for no particular reason that have found a new purpose.

Yay!

Bursting at the seams

I now have 6, yes SIX journals going. The girl who couldnt find where to get her start back into journaling now has 6.
I've had my paper text only journal for years. That has scribblings and characters drawn in. I started one, just a simple one with easy pictures and lists on comments. Pretty colors, pretty magazine cutouts, pretty letters. Inspiration and things that make me happy. Then I had a bad day. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. And this very bad day was going to muck up my happy little art journal. So I started a new one. with blue and black paint and sharpies and bad words in the journalling. That has become my angry ranting journal. Which feels good it all gets poured out in a single place, and then hid under the bed.
The other 3 are virtual. Here and two others. Livejournal is still my happy place. It has the best communities and the most to focus on. Even though Christopher never ever posts anymore. This is new, and is my secret fort - my hideout. Hopefully new people and new communities will change that.

I think I'm more relaxed now that I'm finding an outlet for everything going on. Bad days and good days go in separate places on paper.

It has had its challenges. Like trying to explain to a 3 year old why she has to draw on her own page. But it has given me an excuse to let her paint in the kitchen. <-- thank the lord for crayola washables (that child can make quite a mess.)