Taking advice from Crazy Eyes

"sometimes the feeling inside me get messy like dirt, then I like to clean things. Those things are like my thoughts, and clean my mind..."

I couldn't help but to rewind and get this quote down. It feels so close to home, so realistic. There are days my brain gets all muddled, my thoughts sloppy and, my personal state of sweet enthusiasm is lost in self-doubt and frustration. This will not be a clean post, it will not be spotless and refined. This post will be muddled.

Work is clear, well the basics of work is clear. My 9 to 5 checklist is filling out just fine, I'm accomplishing my daily tasks and meeting my goals. I've been recently approached with a consulting opportunity, which makes things all blurry. In one way, I really should take the opportunity. Start to make a name for myself, show off my skills, open future doors. But then I could fail... I could be less good than I think. I could be incapable of helping someone else do what I do well.

Home is clear in the daily tasks, checking things off, dinner, dishes, laundry and floors. The easy stuff is being kept up with. Now it's about planning a back lawn for the dogs, getting my garden planted and a yard sale organized. Everything else is half done. My desk isn't organized, the garage could use some work, the deck should be refinished.So many dirty little corner tasks that would make me much happier to be done, but for now they wait.

Family, friends, coworkers are clear on the surface. I text mom every day, keep up with friends each week, and help coworkers appropriately. I could do more. I could go sit with mom more, really talk to her. Friends deserve face time, not just Instagram comments. Coworkers deserve attention, focused attention, not just enough to satisfy them.

P is clear, she does her homework and her chores. We make dinner together, she earns her Netflix time. Again the basics get done. The day to day is fine. Then there seems to be something missing. We're not painting or drawing or doing cartwheels on the front lawn. We're not getting any deeper than the neat clear waters of a good kid, and a decent mom.

Where's my scuba gear, how do I get beyond the clear, clean top layer. Where do I go to find the dirt, and start to clean it. Today I start to clean, from the inside, today will be a day of affirmations, and taking notes from wonderful columns like The Other B Word, and finding inspiration in people like Tiana. If you need to come find me, please bring a mop.

"and you have to start from the inside out, or you step on the clean"

- Crazy Eyes, Orange is the New Black

A link share due to distraction

I'm supposed to be writing. I put Tuesday nights aside just to write.  Usually I'm good about it. 2 to 3 posts, formatted at the least. Tonight isn't that. Tonight I'm listening to Orange is the New Black and reading some of my favorites. I'm "supposed" to be writing. Which is funny. Like many, this is a hobby. I work 45 hours a week, I'm a full time mom, I work in things like exercise, friendship, cooking and cleaning. I try new recipes, vacuum my floors, and walk the dogs most nights. On Tuesdays I hide out with the DJ and usually write. Tonight choose to share some of this weeks favorite posts:

Erin went to Serendipity - yes the bakery, from the movie. This link is mostly about jealousy really. mmm it all looks so good.

Taylor shared some of her doubts  - I fully commit to my anxiety being based in "reasonable caution" but that is really quite a crock of a crap so her story hit home a bit with me.

Kari posted about making new friends in our 20s -Let's be honest, after college there seems to be some sort of secret handshake that no one told us. She really hits the nail on the head about the lack of options.

Helene just got back from Vegas: Always read the Vegas reviews ladies, they'll help immensely with tips and tricks your next trip. Helene also became a meme this week - uneducated, but amusing none the less.

What is a blog post that got you distracted this week?

Getting a plan so we can organize our plan to plan

Source

Burning man shopping has commenced. Tickets have been purchased today and our tent, cot, camp stove, picnic table, sleeping bag, 2 chairs, and various LED lights are on their way to my house. I find myself focusing on the details on the things I can plan and prepare for. On the packing and the checklists... so many lists! I have Need Lists and Want Lists and Already Purchased Lists. Costume ideas,  food ideas, and shoes. Pinterest is a mess, my notebook is a mess. All I keep trying to do is get less messy and working these lists simply provokes more inspiration of more things to be done.

So where is the break in all this ranting to be genuine? I think I found it. I've realized I can ask all the questions, and read all the blog stories, and advice I want. I can absorb guidance from friends and family, and continue to mull over all my lists. I can be prepared physically.

When was the last time new experience you have absolutely no reference for?

However I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. Really no clue. I can't begin to imagine the smells, sounds and actual feelings of being there. I can't prepare myself for the emotions I'll feel. I feel like I'm going in blind and that part is really starting to scare me. This will be the first time in a very long time that I will do something that I have nothing in my past to really compare it to. 

So here I am terrified, of being exposed. Both emotionally and possibly somewhat physically, but openly exposed in a way I never have been before. That this may not be as amazing as the wonderful thing that I have imagined, what if it just isn't good enough. What if its not worth the suffering and I'm not the camper I used to be, and lack of pillow-top mattresses and overpriced coffee actually peels back my tough exterior to expose the city girl that lurks underneath.

I see it going grand. I think I'll be fine to camp and figure out how to make real food while we're there. I'll appropriately press my fashion limits to just beyond my usual level of comfort. I'll take the time to meet more new people than I usually would and find an easy way to get to know them in just a few questions. (suggestions are welcomed). And then there's a little question mark, in the very back of what if?

And all I have now is 6 months (TO THE DAY) to dwell on it.