wasting away a sleepless moring

So it's 6 am. I'm having another morning where the silent, nonexistent, imaginary alarm woke me up at 415 and going back to sleep would only turn me into a zombie for the rest of the day. What is it about trying to sneak in one more REM cycle before you alarm actually goes off that dooms you to become the office's hot mess. SO instead I have decided to listen to my dogs snore, the neighborhood birds wake up, and watch the sunrise out my window behind me.

I was going to spend this morning being somewhat productive on a side project I've been working on. No reason to waste the twilight hours right?

Then, instead, I read a few cracked articles, caught up with Whitney, added to 2 of my burning man lists (more on that soon) and removed some of my follows from bloglovin. Sorry but my "pageview" and part of your follow count is actually just me skipping over your blog on my way to something I do care about. I figure I'm not helping either of us.

Now my actual alarm is getting ready to go off and I should start my morning routine... again trying to avoid hot mess status. Because the sun is up I figure I should get this 90 degree day started. Which is another thing I could rant about for a while... I thought I lived in a valley, what is with a week of 100ish temps. I'm tired of being hot and cranky, and even more tired of everyone else being hot and cranky. Now take a moment to realize that is coming from the girl who is willingly going to camp in the desert for a week in August.

But there is quite a difference you see... in the desert they embrace the hot mess!

Taking advice from Crazy Eyes

"sometimes the feeling inside me get messy like dirt, then I like to clean things. Those things are like my thoughts, and clean my mind..."

I couldn't help but to rewind and get this quote down. It feels so close to home, so realistic. There are days my brain gets all muddled, my thoughts sloppy and, my personal state of sweet enthusiasm is lost in self-doubt and frustration. This will not be a clean post, it will not be spotless and refined. This post will be muddled.

Work is clear, well the basics of work is clear. My 9 to 5 checklist is filling out just fine, I'm accomplishing my daily tasks and meeting my goals. I've been recently approached with a consulting opportunity, which makes things all blurry. In one way, I really should take the opportunity. Start to make a name for myself, show off my skills, open future doors. But then I could fail... I could be less good than I think. I could be incapable of helping someone else do what I do well.

Home is clear in the daily tasks, checking things off, dinner, dishes, laundry and floors. The easy stuff is being kept up with. Now it's about planning a back lawn for the dogs, getting my garden planted and a yard sale organized. Everything else is half done. My desk isn't organized, the garage could use some work, the deck should be refinished.So many dirty little corner tasks that would make me much happier to be done, but for now they wait.

Family, friends, coworkers are clear on the surface. I text mom every day, keep up with friends each week, and help coworkers appropriately. I could do more. I could go sit with mom more, really talk to her. Friends deserve face time, not just Instagram comments. Coworkers deserve attention, focused attention, not just enough to satisfy them.

P is clear, she does her homework and her chores. We make dinner together, she earns her Netflix time. Again the basics get done. The day to day is fine. Then there seems to be something missing. We're not painting or drawing or doing cartwheels on the front lawn. We're not getting any deeper than the neat clear waters of a good kid, and a decent mom.

Where's my scuba gear, how do I get beyond the clear, clean top layer. Where do I go to find the dirt, and start to clean it. Today I start to clean, from the inside, today will be a day of affirmations, and taking notes from wonderful columns like The Other B Word, and finding inspiration in people like Tiana. If you need to come find me, please bring a mop.

"and you have to start from the inside out, or you step on the clean"

- Crazy Eyes, Orange is the New Black

And then we all went POP

Last Saturday was one of my favorite parties of the year. Skills presents Pop 2014 The Dream   this massive event brings tens of thousands of music lovers together, for a night of glorious dancing, new connections and stunning lights. I would even call it a little Crazy.

There are many negative stereotypes and unflattering mainstream views of the idea of a rave. But in reality, there is something ethereal about events like this rave, party, edm event,whatever you want to call them. In my experience they are a blessed look at the true beauty in all people.

Everyone I met was offering bracelets, sharing stories, passing around water and checking on their fellow dancers. I have new instafriends, tweeps to follow and fan pages to keep up with. I am only now getting fully rehydrated and remembering each and every detail.

There were many things I want to dive into about this party, the memorizing music, awesome light show, and fantastic people... but there weren't the words. I could give you a play by play, my favorite song from each act, I can try to recall all the people we met, the thrill of having a VIP wristband and the wonder of getting to see some of my favorite people. I kept trying to find the words... and then went to visit the event page and found this:

I think this very well spoken young man hit the nail on the head. He speaks to why we attend these parties. It's about feeling accepted and fitting in, no matter who you are. People come with good intentions, people come to dance and laugh, people just come out. It's a wonderful beautiful sense of camaraderie. I feel blessed to be part of such a gracious crowd.

Okay I'll leave you with one song so you can understand just how awesome it all was. Here was the first tracks (one of my favorites) played by the headliner Dash Berlin: