"sometimes the feeling inside me get messy like dirt, then I like to clean things. Those things are like my thoughts, and clean my mind..."
I couldn't help but to rewind and get this quote down. It feels so close to home, so realistic. There are days my brain gets all muddled, my thoughts sloppy and, my personal state of sweet enthusiasm is lost in self-doubt and frustration. This will not be a clean post, it will not be spotless and refined. This post will be muddled.
Work is clear, well the basics of work is clear. My 9 to 5 checklist is filling out just fine, I'm accomplishing my daily tasks and meeting my goals. I've been recently approached with a consulting opportunity, which makes things all blurry. In one way, I really should take the opportunity. Start to make a name for myself, show off my skills, open future doors. But then I could fail... I could be less good than I think. I could be incapable of helping someone else do what I do well.
Home is clear in the daily tasks, checking things off, dinner, dishes, laundry and floors. The easy stuff is being kept up with. Now it's about planning a back lawn for the dogs, getting my garden planted and a yard sale organized. Everything else is half done. My desk isn't organized, the garage could use some work, the deck should be refinished.So many dirty little corner tasks that would make me much happier to be done, but for now they wait.
Family, friends, coworkers are clear on the surface. I text mom every day, keep up with friends each week, and help coworkers appropriately. I could do more. I could go sit with mom more, really talk to her. Friends deserve face time, not just Instagram comments. Coworkers deserve attention, focused attention, not just enough to satisfy them.
P is clear, she does her homework and her chores. We make dinner together, she earns her Netflix time. Again the basics get done. The day to day is fine. Then there seems to be something missing. We're not painting or drawing or doing cartwheels on the front lawn. We're not getting any deeper than the neat clear waters of a good kid, and a decent mom.
Where's my scuba gear, how do I get beyond the clear, clean top layer. Where do I go to find the dirt, and start to clean it. Today I start to clean, from the inside, today will be a day of affirmations, and taking notes from wonderful columns like The Other B Word, and finding inspiration in people like Tiana. If you need to come find me, please bring a mop.
"and you have to start from the inside out, or you step on the clean"
- Crazy Eyes, Orange is the New Black
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