Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Th' avenging fiend, that follows us behind, with whips and stings

Guilt is the source of sorrow, 'tis the fiend,
Th' avenging fiend, that follows us behind,
With whips and stings - Nicholas Rowe

Being a parent is hard. We all know that, but at the end of the day the root of being a good parent is loving them like crazy and doing whats best for them...

Which sounds easier than it is. Not the loving them part... the whats best for them. I knew I was unhappy. I knew I was confused and messed up and lonely and stressed and a million other negative emotions. However I tried to not bring those emotions in to my relationship and interactions with her. I tried to be sure she had time with grandma and auntie and friends and cousins.

I thought I did it well. This weekend taught me otherwise. She was full of it, funny and mischievous, giggly and excited. She played in her room for hours. Pretended to be kitties with Avery, danced and dressed up. I made a joke about how full of it she was. Mom responded with "yes, I guess shes finally back to being happy" - which sort of stopped me in my tracks...

My child was not being as vibrant as she could be, because she wasn't as happy she should have been. Because I wasn't happy. I know she's back and everything is delicious and we're settling in quite well, but to be the parent, that hindered their child's spirit for any amount of time... breaks my heart. She's too young, and growing up too fast anyway.

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