Your actions are speaking so loud I can't hear what you're saying.

"Your actions are speaking so loud I can't hear what you're saying."
part of SDL's post : Old People Say the Wisest Things 2

I knew what I thought that meant. Then it changed a bit. Or more so I think I was applying it to others, when really it should have been applied inward. How often do we judge, but hate to be judged. Right?

So I've always said I want to be more social, and actually have been making that effort. Shocking I know. There have been game nights, and drinks nights, and Monday involved awesome Turkey Tacos and quite a few bottles of bubbles.

I've also always want to be more artistic and expressive. Which also has been happening more. I'm going through Moleskines like crazy, writing most days, and even doodling a bit. I'd like to get back to full on collage and image focus, but beggars and choosers.

I've also wanted to be more focused on Peyton. Reading and playing, shopping and painting. Visiting the park and the zoo and everything else a little one should have. Which I've been much better about reading with her before bed, spending time with her after dinner, and being proactive on the weekend days.

So its become a full complete juggling act to keep Parenting, Artistic and Social me satisfied, but I'm trying. Really Really trying. Mom and Teal have been watching Peyton quite a bit though. Guilt ensues. So my actions are reflecting my personal wants. However, my intentions are still blurry. So, where do we find the lines, and how do I keep actions, affirmations, and intentions balanced? Or atleasted balanced enough?

Th' avenging fiend, that follows us behind, with whips and stings

Guilt is the source of sorrow, 'tis the fiend,
Th' avenging fiend, that follows us behind,
With whips and stings - Nicholas Rowe

Being a parent is hard. We all know that, but at the end of the day the root of being a good parent is loving them like crazy and doing whats best for them...

Which sounds easier than it is. Not the loving them part... the whats best for them. I knew I was unhappy. I knew I was confused and messed up and lonely and stressed and a million other negative emotions. However I tried to not bring those emotions in to my relationship and interactions with her. I tried to be sure she had time with grandma and auntie and friends and cousins.

I thought I did it well. This weekend taught me otherwise. She was full of it, funny and mischievous, giggly and excited. She played in her room for hours. Pretended to be kitties with Avery, danced and dressed up. I made a joke about how full of it she was. Mom responded with "yes, I guess shes finally back to being happy" - which sort of stopped me in my tracks...

My child was not being as vibrant as she could be, because she wasn't as happy she should have been. Because I wasn't happy. I know she's back and everything is delicious and we're settling in quite well, but to be the parent, that hindered their child's spirit for any amount of time... breaks my heart. She's too young, and growing up too fast anyway.